conflicted
by bibi 13ca
Summary: A one-shot on Elena's thoughts after Damon tells her it's always going to be her.


**N: **_I know I'm late but this idea just won't get out of my head, so I had to write it. It's a quick peek into Elena's head and into her thoughts. It takes place after episode 19, just before Elena rushed over to pull the dagger out of Elijah's chest, enjoy!_

_As always a big, big thank you to Valerie (2serendipity) for her help on this!_

I stepped out of Damon's room and put my hand against the cold wall for support. I felt dizzy, like the oxygen got sucked out of my body. I placed my other hand on my chest and took a few deep breaths. My heart was beating _way_ too fast for my taste and I wanted to calm myself before returning to Stefan's bedroom. I didn't want him to know how much Damon's words had affected me, how much _he_ affected me. No one could know about those feelings…not even me.

'_I will always choose you'_ he'd said. '_It's always going to be Stefan'_ were my words from what seemed a lifetime ago, when our only concern had been Katherine. Words…they always find their way back to you, hitting you in the face when you least expect it.

'_Did I mean it when I said those words to him?_' I asked myself. Of course I did. He was looking at me, Katherine just did something to him, and he was like that because of her. I couldn't be her…no, no; I had to push him away. '_Did I?_' Yes, I did, I convinced myself. '_Do I still mean those words, are they still true?_' I do mean them…I have to mean them. I took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. Wait! Why did I think about it? This had to stop…playing this game was dangerous, especially since I was losing.

I had to push those feelings out of my mind. But I couldn't; they were always there, tormenting me. '_Don't go there, Elena!_' This was dangerous. I remembered saying those exact words to Damon '_Don't go there, Damon!_'…but I didn't remember when. It probably wasn't just once. I couldn't let him go there; I couldn't let myself go there either, it was too risky.

I knew he would do anything to protect me, to keep me alive, I already knew that, so why did his words affect me so much_? 'I will always choose you' _His words were like an echo playing in my mind over and over again and I couldn't stop it. They meant too much…too damn much; it felt good, too good; it was intense, too intense.

I should've known that by now. It was Damon; that was him. He didn't do things half way. When he hated, he hated; when he was mad, he was mad; and when he loved, he loved, with every single cell of his body.

Everything was so messed up…

I took one last breath and made my way to Stefan's room. I bumped right into him and he pulled me into a tight hug. _'I don't need a hug…I need a fucking miracle to save everyone…' _I wanted to yell at him, but I was afraid that if I spoke, my voice would reveal the emotions behind it. I couldn't have that happening, not now…not _ever_.

It was the _right_ thing to do…and that was what I did. I was Elena Gilbert and I _always_ did the right thing…no matter what…and no matter how much it _hurt_ me.

Surprisingly, I wasn't scared for Stefan…or for Alaric, or Jenna or Jeremy…no, I was scared for _him_, more than anyone. _'What Damon wants, Damon gets…_' it wasn't the first time I said those words, but they seemed to have a whole new meaning now. If Damon wanted to give up his life in order to save mine, then that was exactly what he would do…it would happen and I couldn't let it happen. '_Why not?_' he wasn't my brother, he wasn't my best friend…he was nothing…nobody important to me, _so why not_?

I couldn't, I couldn't …I wouldn't. My heart was breaking just thinking about it. I needed him; he needed me, because…we had something…. No, I couldn't say what; I wouldn't go there…I could never go there. Let's just call it…_an understanding_!

We were both so stubborn. Sometimes it surprised me we hadn't killed each other yet. We were pulling in different directions. _He_ wanted to save _me_…_I_ wanted to safe _him_. I couldn't really blame him. I could yell at him, yes, tell him I didn't want to be saved, yes…but I couldn't tell him I didn't understand, because I understood him…ohh, so well. We both wanted to save the people we loved….

As a _friend_…

I loved him; I _cared_ about him as a friend. He was my friend, but _was I his_? I wanted to prove to anyone that he was my friend, but _why_? Did I really want to prove that he was my friend, or that he was _just_ a friend?

I didn't exactly act as a friend…I hadn't lately; I hadn't for a long time. What did I _really_ do for him? Nothing really…Instead, I manipulated him to get my way, I told him he had lost me forever, I took advantage of the fact that he _cared_ about me to get him to do things I knew he didn't want to do. He came to rescue me. He got inside a house, without knowing if he would get out 'alive'. And what did I do? I ran into his brother's arms and threw him a 'thank you' over his shoulder. When I saw him at the bottom of the stairs, I wanted to run into _his_ arms, to hold him close and tell him how much he meant to me. He smiled at me, a real smile…I smiled back. Our eyes connected, saying to each other everything we couldn't say in words. I wanted to run into his arms…but then Stefan just popped in front of me, wrapping his arms around me. Coward, I'd been a _coward_…. When he had to kill his friend because she got bitten by a werewolf to protect himself, what did _I_ do? I pushed him to _feel_, every minute of it, oh and I gave him half a hug. Then I ran away….

So the question is, _was I really his friend?_

Or were we _more_ than friends?

No, we couldn't be. It was Stefan; it was always going to be Stefan; I wouldn't be Katherine; there was nothing going on between me and Damon; there couldn't be. It had to be like this. I told myself this every day…and it worked…until he looked at me. When his deep, deep blue eyes bored into mine, my heart started doing all kinds of weird things to me and my knees felt weak. But then my mind fought back. I had a very powerful mind. I was the good girl, always doing the right thing, putting others first. I couldn't do it…I couldn't hurt Stefan, I wouldn't.

"Elena…" Stefan voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"I'm sorry; I didn't hear what you said."

"I said I'm going to check on Jenna," Stefan repeated.

"Ok…"

I expected him to take off, but he didn't, he just stood there, staring at me. He had that look on his face, the one that told me something was bothering him.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"He's crossing the line, Elena; you have to talk to him!"

"And tell him what exactly, Stefan; to stop saving me? I already did that, it didn't work."

"Tell him to back off!"

"It's Damon, Stefan, telling him not to do something is the worst thing you can do. Remember, you told me that," I said.

"He'll do it…if it's you who's asking…he'd do anything for you."

Somehow those words sounded dirty coming out of his mouth.

"I'm not going to take advantage of that, Stefan. If you want to tell your brother something, you'll have to do it yourself!"

"He's not listening to me," Stefan shouted.

"I'll talk to him tomorrow…" I said in a whisper.

He nodded and pulled me in another hug. I was sick of hugs. Everyone kept treating me like I was some kind of delicate trinket that was going to break anytime…everyone but _him_. He just told it as it was…and that was _one_ of the _many_ things that made him special.

**N**: _So this is it, what do you think? Review and let me know! _

_I know it was a bit confusing but that's how I picture Elena's mind though…hope you liked it anyway._


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